is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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