I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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