Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
