I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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