she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
