I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
