If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
