2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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