You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
