I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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