just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
