I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We are all done wearing pants today
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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