Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
