apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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