Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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