Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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