im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
