I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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