im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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