I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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