saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
