So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
