i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So much rum. So many feels.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
