You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My balls are so social today.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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