The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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