I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I want a musical about memes.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
