She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
