Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Let's get the cat blown out
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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