didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
