She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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