i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
