Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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