I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
