Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
