Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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