youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
