I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
