Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
