when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Duck Duck Cougar?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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