Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
