You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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