There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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