very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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