her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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