I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize