But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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