Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
