I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
