Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
