I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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