you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
