I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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