No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
