Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
