dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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