I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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