My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
