Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
