and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
