i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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