pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
