Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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