just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
