I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize