I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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