Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
