I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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