You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
